Why Do I Keep Failing NoFap?
Let's face it, NoFap isn't easy and this is true whether you're addicted to porn or not.
However, there might be some things you keep doing that prevent you from reaching those really long and powerful streaks.
Let's jump in and take a look at a few common reasons for why guys keep failing NoFap…
You're trying to fill a need by escaping to porn (not necessarily a sexual need)
This is more common than you think.
It could even be the biggest reason for why you keep failing NoFap.
Take a look at the 6 human need here and then try to figure out if your porn use is a vehicle for trying to meet any of those needs…
- Variety / uncertainty
- Connection and love
What does it mean?
For a better understanding of the 6 human needs, listen to when Tony Robbins explains it in this video right here. It might potentially give you the biggest “aha-moment” yet.
I can say, from what I've personally seen, during my 1 on 1 coaching calls that the most common need guys are trying to meet is “Connection”.
Many guys are longing for connection, most often from the opposite sex, but also for connection with people in general. And many are also suffering from social anxiety, making it very hard for them to reach out.
Another common need guys try to fill is “significance”.
“Significance? How's that even possible?”, you say.
Well, think about it.
You have a whole harem there on the computer screen and your reptilian brain thinks you are mating with thousands of the most attractive women. Only extremely high status males get to do that in real life, and so the primitive part of your brain thinks you're doing very well. You clearly must be a man of high status…a very “significant” man.
“Variety” is another common need to try to meet by using porn. Tired of the “same old girl” and want some variety?
Well, porn will do it. Jumping from one category to the other, with new girls in every one, is certainly a vehicle for trying to meet that need. A very bad vehicle, but a vehicle nevertheless.
Identify the need and replace it…
If you identify a need that you think you are trying to fill with your porn use, then the next step is to start thinking of some other, healthier, ways to fill those needs.
Once you have replaced porn with a more productive way of meeting that need, you will automatically start failing less on NoFap.
If you need help with this I highly recommend that you read my review of an online course called Dopamine Discipline, as one of the core pillars of that course if to help you with exactly that.
Dopamine Discipline is probably the best online course for quitting porn and bad masturbation habits you can currently find out there.
Don't wake your sleeping dopamine bear…
Another reason for why you keep failing NoFap might be that you're eating too much sugar or junk food.
This may sound strange, and it's not true for everyone, but for a lot of guys sugar and junk food significantly increase the risk of a relapse.
It certainly did for me, back when I was struggling with my own porn relapses.
Let me explain…
Both sugar and junk food spike dopamine (quite a lot) by giving you instant gratification. The problem with this particular kind of pleasure is that it often makes the reward system in your brain start looking for other ways to get to enjoy more of that wonderful dopamine…
…and what would be one of the fastest ways for doing that?
You've got it…fapping to porn!
I call this phenomenon “waking the sleeping dopamine bear”.
You see, dopamine is a funny chemical, as once it's activated it wants more of it self. In fact, brain experts like to call dopamine “the molecule of more”. This is especially true if we spike dopamine with some instant gratification stuff – not so much if we have “earned it” through physical exercise or achieving goals etc. (as those do also spike your dopamine, but in a healthy way).
By instant gratification stuff I mean things like for example…
- Binging on social media
- Junk food and sugar
- Drinking alcohol
- Doing other drugs
- Playing video games that are very stimulating where you quickly keep “leveling up”
..all those things can potentially wake your sleeping dopamine bear.
Keep in mind they affect people differently and some may have bigger problems with video games than with junk food…
…and vice versa!
You're job is to figure out what king of things are waking YOUR dopamine bear, and then to come up with clever strategies to prevent him from going on a porn rampage. Either by eliminating or reducing the amount of that particular instant gratification trigger, or by finding ways for you to not have access to porn after indulging in said trigger.
I can tell you that during my own rebooting days, I must have had hundreds of relapses caused by sugar or some other, high tasty, fast carbohydrates…
…the days when I kept a really clean diet I did so much better.
Something to consider right there, wouldn't you say?
You're not filling the void…
Another reason for why many guys fail at NoFap is because they are not replacing their old porn habits with some other activity, other than to just remain sitting in front of their computer, aimlessly browsing.
That is a recipe for failure.
You absolutely need to fill the void with something!
This should preferably bee something that you do away from your phone or computer. Now, if you have some kind of project that you keep working on online, then that's a whole nother matter, and is totally fine, but you can't be filling the void with aimless browsing.
Say you've spent 5 hours a week on fapping to porn, well, your mission now is to find another, healthy way of filling those 5 hours.
Example: if those 5 hours include physical exercise and spending time with real life people, you're on your well on your way. And if you can combine the two -like for example going for a walk with a friend- or taking dance classes, you're golden.
The above was just an example. Obviously there are hundreds of things you can come up with to replace your old habit with.
Why not start a YouTube channel about NoFap, or some subject? You can check out mine right here.
Whatever you do, one thing remains abundantly clear, the people who fill the void are also the ones who become the most successful NoFappers.
You're partying too much…
This one is related to “waking the sleeping dopamine bear” that I talked about earlier, but there's more to it and it's so important that I need to point it out…
…if you have an identity of that of a “party person”, it will be hard for you to stay away from porn as well.
You, see, your identity is driving your behaviors. And if you're frequently partying in a way that is not that good for your health, i.e. drinking, smoking, staying up late and missing sleep, then you are forming an identity of that of a person who don't really care if he's taking good care of himself or not.
And here's the deal…
With that kind of an identity you will also have less resistance for doing other things that aren't that good for you. Things like for example…
…relapsing back to porn!
Does that make sense?
I hope so, because it really works that way.
On the other hand, if you form good habits e.g. eating healthy, doing physical exercise, taking cold showers and meditating, you form an identity of that of a person who takes really good care of himself, and thus you increase your friction to have a porn slip as well.
I'm telling you guys, I managed to change my life in so many ways once I realized the following two things…
- Your identity is the core driver of your actions / behaviors
- You can form your identity by self talk and by regularly doing small steps that are in line with your desired identity.
And knowing this will help you in every are of life, not just NoFap.
Like James Clear puts it: every action you take in life is a vote for the way you view yourself – as the votes build up, so too does the evidence of your identity. If you do 5 push-ups, well that's not going to change your body much, but it is still one more vote for being a guy who takes care of his physic.
If you found this interesting, you can learn more about forming your identity in the book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear.
It's a phenomenal book that I highly recommend.
If you click here and sign up to Audible, you can listen to it for free as you get the first 30 days on Audible without any cost.
Why do I keep failing NoFap
I hope you found this blog post helpful.
I deliberately made it pretty short, so it would be easy to read, and thus I only included the most common reasons for why guys keep failing NoFap.
If you want to take a deeper dive and discover step by step tips on how stop relapsing, then you need to check out my article 10 Steps how to stop NoFap relapses.
Now, unlike this one, that is a big article with pretty much all the tips you need. So I recommend you bookmark that page so you can go back to it over and over again until you start getting the hang of it.
You can do this.
I believe in you!
P.S. Need my help? You can find my contact page right here.